Still hurting, only emotionally as well, now...

So, a couple of hours ago, I managed to stumble onto the blog of the woman who I called my "best friend" for a little over a year until our friendship ended (with no explanation and silence from her) after her birthday in May. Somewhat ironically, I found her blog because I had Googled her fiance--it's late at night, sometimes I like to try to track down people I've lost touch with--after having little luck with her name. I don't remember being aware of her having a blog, but, whatever. I discovered his blog, which led me to hers (both on the same site--not this one). Of course, I read her entire published blog which begins a bit before our friendship did. Nothing. Well, I was briefly mentioned a couple of times--but nothing remotely significant, and nothing that would begin to give me a clue as to why our friendship ended. And nothing, at all, after the mention of my visiting them for a weekend last fall. I can only think that I didn't know her as well as I thought I perhaps did, and that I was not as close a friend to her as she was to me, despite all evidence to the contrary when our friendship was active. Very sad.

I almost regret my discovery, but at the same time, as those who know me well will attest, I am glad to know that she is well. She was someone I loved. Our friendship was important to me, and, while I ended up hurt by her actions, the fact that our friendship is over doesn't change what it was to me before. I'm glad nothing bad happened to her, even if it makes our parting that much more confusing. At the same time, due to that confusion, there is a somewhat perverse satisfaction in knowing I can tune into her life whenever I feel like it, and she won't ever be the wiser unless I contact her about it. Not that I plan to stalk her or something--what would be the point? Just that, well, I guess I still care, and if something really bad happens and she writes about it--maybe I would comment then, and let her know I've been checking in... I noticed she lost her grandmother shortly after I lost mine, but that wasn't a big shock for her, either. I think I was Googling them, in the first place, because a few days ago I sent her an email after the combination of terrible news about the sudden death of a childhood friend (more on that another time) and my car accident. In it, I tried to address the fact that while I don't know or understand her reasons for ending our friendship, I still think about her sometimes and hope that her life is going well.

All of this makes me appreciate my true friends even more. So to Circe, since we've been friends for ten years now (can you believe that?!); H., whose been with me since high school (and is expecting her first baby!); C. and C., each a bit more recent (but very definitely my best friends in this city) I say, thank you very much. I really don't know what I'd do without you.

Another friend, S., whose wedding I was returning from when I had my car accident, belongs on that list as well, but we're not in as good of touch as we should be, and I haven't tested the "married" waters with her yet. Some relationships dim a bit--however unintentionally--once one friend becomes legally bound. To be honest, our relationship dimmed a bit when they moved in together, so... still love her, but she's not one of my "go-to-girls." All that can change again though, since I've been blogging, Circe and I have reconnected much more than before I was so addicted to my laptop.

Speaking of the accident, and to address the first part of this entry's title--I'm still hurting. I think I had whiplash, because what hurts most is my neck: up the back to the back of my head, as well as my shoulders and a bit of my upper back. And I periodically feel achy and just unable to get comfortable through my whole back. I hate this. Also, my car was declared "totaled." I have to figure out what I will do for transportation for the next three months here where I desperately need a car before moving to the City where I won't need or want a car!

And that is how things are tonight...