Soliciting Stories...

So... I have some playwriting experience. Have I ever written a play? No. Have I written a one-act? No. But I have a few monologues under my belt, and I have directed/produced/acted in shows of the type that I'm seeking work towards... I can make it work if you can give me a good story. I want to write a one woman show of monologues. What we all go through in life/because of life/through life, etc. I ask that anyone who reads this get in touch. Give me a mini-synopsis via private email and you'll be given credit (if desired) as a collaborator on the finished piece. I want to give the women of OUR generation a true voice. From the stories our grandmothers told us, to the stories we tell each other in text messages and at the bar. Tell me your stories and help me make a play for, about and BY US... You can reach me here... Don't be afraid. The best stories are always the most difficult to tell...

Been Down This Road Before, and Here's Why... a little bit about who I am in the corporeal world

A man I find physically unattractive is interested in me. I've sadly walked this road before. I know better now, I'm not going to date him in some attempt to live the high-minded "it's what's inside that really counts" maxim. Lack of physical attraction results in an inevitable ending even if you have a lot of other things seemingly going for you--which isn't even the case here. Last time it was very painful to the guy when I "woke up" in the midst of a six month relationship and realized that I really STILL didn't find him physically appealing, and I couldn't lie to myself and live in denial anymore so I ended it. Of course, I never used that as my explanation for the break-up to him, that would've been too cruel. Instead, I gave a bunch of other more minor-but-high-minded reasons/platitudes. The real truth being that I should never have dated him in the first place, and wouldn't have if I had "stuck to my guns" and not been encouraged and brain-washed by the "But he's such a nice guy and he really likes you and you seem to have fun hanging out with him" commentary of well-meaning mutual acquaintances. I just find myself hoping this one will take my "polite but distant" responses to his inquiries as the subtle blow-off they are, so I don't have to explain my lack of interest to him.

After all, how does one word that? "I had a good time talking with you the other night. But I'm just not attracted to you." I guess that would be one way. I'm leaning toward, "I had a pretty good time, too. Unfortunately, since I'm moving soon, and we don't have that much in common, I just don't see a reason to pursue it. Sorry." I have always found it fascinating that men will doggedly pursue women with whom they have virtually nothing in common just based on their own singular physical attraction unless confronted point-blank with the woman's own lack of interest. There must be some common ground. Somewhere. Something to keep talking about! In one night (grant it, a long night), it seemed we exhausted our conversational capabilities--such as they were--and basically it was done in talking about our individual families and how we grew up, with variations on basic small talk thrown in! Okay, we know a bit about one another's childhoods and I have no interest whatsoever in his (to me) extraordinarily boring, mundane adulthood! Now, I admit, if I was attracted to him in return, I would totally be into exploring his life further in order to attempt to find common ground--a shred, at least--in order to keep up the pretense, and go on with possible dating. I've done that before, too. But to get there one needs mutual physical attraction.

What I have found uniquely difficult as I've progressed through life is finding a nice way to let someone know that their attraction is not reciprocated. I'm sure I bring on this difficulty myself. I'm "too" nice, because I genuinely enjoy new people, conversation, social experience. I am the antithesis of shy. Frequently, I forget to consider that, for those who don't have my same general curiosity and social dexterity, I may appear to be more singularly interested in them than I actually am. Because they only initiate contact when they are singularly interested in the other person. An assumption is made, and I end up not knowing how to politely extract myself from a (to me, again) simple one-evening/afternoon conversation.

I am blessed, or perhaps cursed, with an extremely honed social awareness. I know the ways I am very different from the rest of the socialized world I live in. I know that the vast majority of people are not like me. I know I am extraordinarily comfortable in every social environment in which I find or place myself, and that that is an anomaly. Also, intuitively, I know the moment someone has recognized or decided they're attracted to me (whether reciprocated or not), I know when someone (friend or stranger) has become uncomfortable, etc., there is something that changes in the air that I have always been able to detect. I'm sure this detection is significantly due to my unconscious or subconscious awareness of vocalization (changes in tone and voice quality) and body language. This has also made me very empathetic. Not sympathetic, per se, but empathetic--which in many ways is worse. As such, I make every attempt to avoid putting someone in an awkward/painful position due to even their own presumptions about me! After all, I can understand why meeting someone like me is probably rare in their daily experience (it's certainly equally rare in my own!), so having their own experience as their only barometer--they think what they think: that I am interested in more from them than just a simple chat. Which, when occasionally true, works in my favor as well. It's just so equally occasional on my side of things as it is to the majority. I'm not attracted to 9/10ths of the people I start conversations with in my life. In fact, I am more inclined when attracted to someone to sit back with open body language and wait to be approached, or for them to initiate an opening. In this way, I can assure myself of their initial interest. Relying, as I am in that situation, on the fact that most of the world is not like me, and therefore, to approach is to deliberately signal interest. I am the exception that proves the rule. I will approach more quickly when there is no interest at all on my part.

I know I could attempt to change myself to avoid finding myself in these situations. But I like who I am. I wouldn't know how to be withdrawn, shy or uncomfortable, so I would have to feign these things and, therefore, no longer live authentically. Forget that. I think I will just have to find a way to not be so very empathetic--maybe that's a possible goal--so that I can more easily/quickly extract myself from the situations in which my more extroverted traits place me.

An Irritation...

Okay, so I have a couple of irritations to vent my rage against at this moment. I spent a chunk of today trying to figure out why my profile change wasn't publishing properly, only to discover that NOW it is! Weird. Maybe I just needed to give "blogger" it's time and due. After all--I'm still new to this whole crazy world. I guess, there is some sort of lee-way period. I like IMMEDIACY! I suppose I will have to relax on that issue if this is going to be the venue for my random ramblings.

Meanwhile, in the midst of that I was bitten by a spider. Irony ensues... yes, Circe, I actually know for a FACT that it was a spider bite, (probably not the first in my life, but the first I'm sure of) because I felt a prick, and then SAW the damn thing ON my leg (!) and batted it away--ending up with a small welt! Ick! I never knew "house" spiders bit. YUCK! Unfortunately, the damn thing was beige/gray and so is my carpet, so while I knocked it off, I don't think I killed it, and I couldn't see it on my floor to be sure! UGH! How much does this suck! LOTS! Anyone else out there been bitten by a spider--knowingly?! My mother seems to think it's because I was unable to clean my house last week (due to my rabid cold). Apparently, we are all doomed to be bitten by spiders if we skip a week of cleaning! Meanwhile, I had a lazy MONTH or TWO in my early twenties that NEVER resulted in this... so while I did the "smile and nod" over the phone while taking her advice to cleanse with hydrogen peroxide and apply Bactine--I don't really think my lack of vacuuming for the week is the answer... Still, for future reference, hydrogen peroxide followed by Bactine does not only get rid of the stinging/burning sensation, but also heals the actual bite to a small red spot with no swelling or welt within a few hours... For those who are bitten by psycho-house-spiders in the future...

Sad, and healing...

I just discovered that a friend lost her grandfather a few days ago. It's so strange. This is the third person I know, including me, who has lost a grand parent in the past few weeks. All these great people, influences, lost. At the same time, there is so much we are left by these elder generations. Once they are no longer with us, we have to remember everything we've been taught and told by, seen and heard from them. That's the only way that we'll ever be able to pass on any of their wisdom to anyone else. Or, for that matter, use it ourselves in our own lives. Which I think is what grandparents are all about. They aren't the ones who actually raise us--or at least not usually. But they raised their children to raise us. And then, they could watch us, enjoy us and love us from that one generation's distance. A built-in total love and support and cheerleading section for everything we did--from crawling, to talking, to walking, to school, to life. Grandparents are amazing. I know I loved mine. I still do, within myself. Because I like to think I see a bit of each of them in me. A bit that they put there. Just by being present. And sometimes, when I really need to, I think I feel a guiding hand on my shoulder now, and I try to be guided by it because I know--they couldn't lead me wrong. At the same time, not one of them would ever want us to live our lives to please anyone but ourselves (and maybe God), so I still trust my gut in the end--after all, they helped instill those instincts, too. I guess, I just wanted to give a little tribute to those who've gone before. It's part of healing for me. To think that I have people who love me waiting for me somewhere--on the other side of here. If I'm lucky, maybe this will help a couple of you, too... Take care and be well.

Thoughts while Inhaling Nail Polish Fumes through Sinus & Chest Congestion

Ugh!!! So, a while back I purchased a french manicure pen from Sephora. The idea being that I like the simplicity, the polish of a classic french manicure, and, since they're so over-priced in the salons near me, this pen would make it easier for me to do myself. Well, I realized that with a little practice this could prove true. Except, I wasn't paying attention to how old my other polishes have become, and my beautiful, careful french manicure is now almost completely ruined by a too thick, sticky topcoat. I'm so annoyed right now. I'm being careful as I type, because I know the polish needs at least two hours to dry thoroughly. At the same time, I am so irritated by the various smudgy flaws created by a topcoat I had kept for too long! Am I the only one who does this? The truth is, I get regular pedicures (my legs are long and painting my toes would be an additional yoga practice to my daily one), but usually I keep my fingernails bare or buff-shined. Therefore, I rarely use the nail polish I have, so it gets pushed to the back of my cupboard where it turns into a form of shiny glue! Ick. I just forget about it until I, very periodically, want to use it. I wish I had a digital camera handy to publish a photo of my hands so you all could have a visual of my frustration. They don't look that bad, but for a make-up/beauty-product perfectionist like me--well, I'm trying to hold myself back from grabbing a cotton ball and my non-acetone polish remover. I know, at best, I will only leave it on for tomorrow. I'll have to give it another shot after I buy some fresh Mega Shine topcoat... I'm fairly happy with about seven out of the ten, but clearly, that doesn't quite cut it... And as anyone who has ever done their own nails knows, there is no way to remove polish and fix three out of ten nails without utterly destroying the entire manicure!

Now, for the cold. I have had this cold for an entire week. It seems to finally be tapering off a bit. I hesitate to write that as it could come back to bite me in the ass just to spite my hopefulness. This awful thing seems to be running rampant, so double up on your vitamin C, stock some echinacea and DayQuil/NyQuil liquid-caps. (They seem to have helped in the past few days after I gave up on a "Severe Cold Relief" formula that didn't seem to be doing much.) Have any of you had this yet? I've heard it lasts off and on for about six weeks. If that's true I think I had a taste of it a couple of weeks ago for just a day or two. This week has been the heart of it, and I imagine it could linger for a bit. It's not the stomach flu that is also running around--thank heavens--that's very gastrointestinal and lasts about four days... really, hoping I don't get that one.

I suppose that about covers it for the moment... I'm getting better about updating this thing--hope that makes my readers happy!

Briefly...

Hello All,
Life's a bit nutty lately. My grandmother passed away on the 20th. My mother's mother, on my father's birthday no less. The extended family poured into town for the matriarch's funeral. It was rough, but expected--she was 94 after all, and in deteriorating health over the past several months. Still, we got through it, and I promptly got the worst cold in the world that has kept me completely out of it for the past week. I just thought I'd get on and say hello. I hope to get myself into the weekly blog mode in the next few weeks. That's all for now, but... keep an eye on this space!