Veronica Jude's Journal

Let's make it fun...

2009-01-29T21:26:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all.

There comes a time in all our lives and loves when we realize we miss the fact that we are writers at heart. Be aware. I am coming back. With a vengeance. Thank you to the VERY few who have listened, and the truth is, I know you all now. Nonetheless, when I am ready, you will see some very interesting blogs showing up in this space. And since I know you all--if you think an essay is remotely worthy of another venue, please let me know. Love.

Emotional Scariness...

2007-11-15T02:55:00.000-08:00

So, tonight, I randomly found myself watching the last quarter or maybe half of a NOVA special about a court case involving Intelligent Design versus Evolution. Ultimately, in a court of law an "establishment clause" case. But all I could think of were the various arguments I have posed against myself and the discussions/conversations/arguments I have had with my man on the same topic.

I have become more comfortable labeling myself an "agnostic" in the midst of these interactions, nonetheless, I'm still unclear as to my truest label. I want to believe in the God I was "indoctrinated" with as a Roman Catholic child. Because, at least in my era, that God is very forgiving and compassionate. However, believing in an actual, viable, miraculous God is next to impossible when you are intelligent enough to understand science. Has science explained every tiny thing? No. But might they? Well, that's a different question.

This is why I sob for both sides of the question. Richard Dawkins would probably hate me for that, but it's true. I am sad for those who have no one to beg for help from, as well as, those who are begging for help to a deity who may/probably doesn't exist. The tragedy of all of it is so extreme for me that I can barely handle it. Because I feel torn in half myself. I don't have an idea of which would be a better outcome.

If there is something after this--we have the chance to reunite with loved ones who have "gone before." If not, then, well, every single decision might mean even more because life is all we have... every moment... individually... when they're all gone--we will never exist again. That also means there is nothing special about any of us that is not a random, biological, chemical anomaly for each of us... Strange to want to believe that, but many people do... That is what most people would call a "soul," but true atheists don't believe in its existence. And why should they? Unless you have experienced something supernatural yourself--everything is faith, and even if you have experienced something--who would believe you? I have experienced plenty of supernatural occurrences, but it's always easier not to acknowledge them to an atheist! Oh, well, sorry for the crazy blog... Life is a little messy now.

Testing... myself.

2007-10-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, so... I have a new computer. And I'm bored. And so, I decided to explore myspace a bit. And I decided, on a whim, mainly because I thought this person would not be out there... to look up an ex-boyfriend. THE ex-boyfriend, actually. And lo-and-behold: there he was, with no privacy shield on his profile or anything. And at first, my stomach dropped. Those in the know may say with me here, "What? It's been over two years, right?!" And then I'm glancing through, and looking at stuff, just couldn't help myself it would seem, and he's "in a relationship," too! And I thought: Wow. I wonder who she is, what she's like, how long? Then, I thought, "That's cool. Maybe he's happy, too." Because I'm happy now. And I thought, yeah, I am happy now... Is this is a little weird? Maybe I shouldn't have been looking him up... Do happy people look up exes to see what happened to them?

See, as far as I know, no one that used to be tight with him has heard anything since he vanished to Massachusetts. So, I figured, it's okay to be curious, right? He's probably alive, but where has he ended up? No, I didn't send a message or anything. Considered and rejected that in about a heartbeat. No interest in renewing our acquaintance. I figure, that's good, too, right? So, am I creepy because I looked up on myspace the last guy I was in love with, who really messed me up, two plus years after the fact, when I'm madly in love with the man I think I'd like to spend the rest of my life with?! This was my thought as I was clicking off his page. What possessed me to look him up in the first place? In order to make myself feel a little less weird about that, I then searched my first adult "love." He wasn't out there though. At least, not that I could find. Not that I really wanted to, I mean, I searched him more as a joke. Didn't care that much about that one, since I knew he was a complete loser before we "broke up" if you could even call it that.

I've slowly been learning that damn near the whole world is on myspace! And, I think, I just wanted to test myself for my reaction to that ex. I don't think that's so bad. Or that unusual. We had a mercurial, unhealthy relationship. Of course, I fought seeing it that way at the time! I think I wanted to test how dead all that screwed up stuff was. The fact that I wanted to throw up could be a good or bad sign. On the one hand, I wish my reaction wasn't so visceral. On the other, at least there was no desire for the past. I still feel a little shaky. I started typing this blog right after.

That relationship changed me in so many bad ways. I can't hate him, though sometimes I wish I could, because I know it wasn't his fault. He was just such a mess. I don't think he was ever aware of how badly he was screwing me up. I think he honestly believed breaking up with me was sparing me something every time, when really it was just chipping away. I've fought so hard to get back to who I was when I met him, despite all the baggage of us weighing me down, because I had really loved who I was before him.

And finally, I think, I did it. And not long after, though I did kiss a few frogs in the meantime, I met the man I'm with now, and the funny thing is... they are very similar and wildly different men. This makes sense when I think, I was attracted to one and am attracted to the other. It makes sense they have certain things in common. Where they diverge is the really good relationship stuff. The things that make my current relationship so much better. Common ground, because I had very little in common with my ex. Dreams and goals, it's wonderful to be with someone who has them, too! Consistancy. Understanding. Communication that doesn't run in perpetual circles. A willingness to fight for us, not walk or run away. Knowledge of himself. A deep desire to know and understand me. And possibly the best thing, considering my history, the desire to have me be, and continue growing as, my purest self, the real me. The wacky, silly, sexy, creative, bitchy wildcat he fell for. Not some changeling who's emptied herself out in order to be filled with whatever characteristics might make up his dreamgirl, and thus the one he will stop breaking up with out of the blue. (Yes, that is who I became in that troubling relationship, though I'm still not sure if my ex ever truly realized that.)

Sadly, I still have residue of the anxiety disorder I developed courtesy of that relationship a few years ago. Maybe that's why my stomach dropped. It was not an unfamiliar feeling. Thankfully, not one I experience to that degree very often, if at all, anymore. Maybe that's the best test result in the end. My stomach has returned to normal writing about the man I love and who loves me. There is relief. Though some residue still remains, the potential scars seem to be healing, and that relationship may finally, truly, happily be behind me.

Wow, Did I let this go... SORRY!

2007-10-14T23:49:00.000-07:00

FINALLY! A new blog... My (very scant) readership can finally relax in knowing that YES--I am alive. I find myself wanting to write reams or nothing at all. This has been my dilemma since July when I met the man I love and lost a friend I thought was true, all in the same weekend and because of each other! Crazy I know. How does a person deal with that mess? Obviously not by blogging! At least, I haven't. But life is about to get more interesting again. Sports are back in season. I am moving to New Orleans--WHAT?! You may be saying, yes, it's not a misprint. That has to do with the man as well, but... what can I say? I am a woman in love. We'll see what transpires... And I will try to blog about everything at least once a week. So, back here on Monday....

Worth it...

2007-06-15T23:43:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it takes a few times to learn something. And then you learn it, but sometime later on need a little refresher. That happened to me recently in the realm of men. I look forward to finding a man who is actually worthy of me, someday. For now I will leave it at that, to acknowledge what I need and to admit what I have yet to find. The one problem I continue to have is making excuses for the wrong/bad ones. No longer gratuitous mind you, but still--excuses. I'm too forgiving. I'm too nice. I'm too caring. I need to direct all of those wonderful attributes at a person who really needs them and deserves them--myself. Not these men. They aren't worthy. And I know it. And they know it.

Friendship: the Good, the Bad and the (sometimes) Ugly

2007-06-04T09:27:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm still not getting any better about this blogging. One problem is I've wanted to write about people who might read what I write! Ha! The point of an anonymous blog lost because I have told people about it. That would be funny, if it weren't sort of annoying. At the same time, I have no idea who else would read this randomness if it weren't the people I've told about it! So, I suppose I will throw caution to the wind to delve into one conspicuous change in my life in the past couple of months: friendships.

For instance, it has come to my attention that a certain individual talks about me behind my back. While this is, generally, unsurprising as the person is a gossip and I've always known that, as well as this: if someone wants to talk about other people's business inappropriately to you than the chance is very good they will discuss your business inappropriately with others. I loathe gossip, as most people who know me will acknowledge, and I defend myself against it by pointing out to the potential gossiper that they are sharing information I shouldn't know and to please stop, as I am not interested. (A side note: I do not consider it "gossip" for a person who is pissed at a friend's behavior toward them to have a venting session about her or him with another friend, mutual or otherwise--that's part of what friends are for, and, in essence, that is what I am doing now. I mean: gossip is the sharing of information that would not be commonly known without the approval of the original subject.) That being said, I had already become fairly careful to only tell this person that which I would not mind being known by everyone else we have in common. Unfortunately, I'm not talking about gossip, I'm talking about truly two-faced behavior: one thing said to another friend, something else to me; comments attributed to me, that I never said, about events I was completely unaware of; also, a couple of statements that I can only consider slurs.

Now, the particular slurs demonstrate something unfortunate about this person: the schoolyard bully desire to put someone down to raise oneself up. Some people never outgrow this, evidently, but may add subtlety in adulthood. As ever though, it is still a demonstration of insecurity and, more frequently, jealousy. It can even manifest in a person's perceptions and opinions of events. Whether these opinions are shared with their subject or with someone else is not that important, except if they are shared with their subject it's a much more direct attack, and typically requires more subtlety and the guise of some other reason. If the subject is a healthy person, she learns to recognize it for what it is, regardless.

Something to consider, as my truly close friends, and those who have been very close friends in the past, know--I have no problem with my friends sharing their opinions with me about anything and everything. (Including about this blog, obviously, whether you're one who reads and posts or just reads and tells.) Opinions are great topics of conversation, debate and consideration. However, as those people also know--the only opinions pertaining to me, directly, which would be taken to heart upon hearing are those of my parents. The only two people who absolutely have only my best interests at heart, and no other potential personal agenda, for sharing the opinion with me. All others will be viewed under the basis of the current relationship/circumstance and either tossed or retained for further consideration. (I became a better listener due to some well-considered comments by a friend several years ago.)

These friends also know that I will always respect the other person's right to hold the opinion, but if it is an opinion about me, personally, that I think is judgmental garbage coming from less than altruistic reasoning, chances are I will "consider the source" and will distance myself accordingly. After all, if you know someone holds a poor opinion of something about you, why continue the relationship as it stands? The same way that if I come to hold a poor opinion of someone (or something about her/him) I would choose to distance myself from them anyway. This is how we choose friends; it is what we have done since childhood. We cannot pick our blood families (or for those adopted--the families we are raised in), but we can pick the friends that become our second family as we grow. No one should choose to stay close to someone who judges you poorly, that person will not be a support or an understanding ear. That person becomes a minefield to tread very carefully around.

I have learned that it is very difficult to be a healthy, secure, stable, confident person if you have many friends who do not typically share most of those qualities. The unhealthy, insecure, unstable, less-than-confident will want you to feel the same. I realize I was not in a very happy place for quite a while in the past couple of years. A big relationship collapsed (several times, to be honest) that was not with a particularly healthy person to begin with, and in the midst of it, I had changed. I had become someone I almost didn't recognize. It has taken me a long time to fight my way back to myself, but it finally feels complete in the past year. Unfortunately, I have come to realize that I found some security through that time by latching on to people as equally screwed up or more screwed up than I was! Safety in numbers, I suppose. It is very weird to become blazingly aware that several of your relationships need to be adjusted or even abandoned because the other person is simply a bad influence or wildly self-centered or spectacularly inappropriate or incredibly insecure or is, in some other way, deeply unhealthy. Any and all of which may make them periodically aggressive or antagonistic about whatever healthy trait you are displaying that they don't currently hold themselves! Still, I suppose it is better to be aware of it than wonder why spending time with a person has started to irritate, frustrate, sadden or anger you. Culling the herd, so to speak, and starting to spend more time with those that are in a similar healthy state as yourself. As someone said, "Like breeds like." As such, I need to be spending the majority of my time with the people who are in the same place as I am.

Just to be clear, I'm not advocating dropping friends when they are going through a bad time--NO WAY! I'm blessed with the healthy friends I have who had continued reaching out to me through the bad time. These being the ones, along with my parents and family, who have most likely said, "You are so much more you, again" in the past several months. Nearly all of them recognizing in some way the end of the less-than-me I had been for a while. I note this as we are spending more time together or are in better touch now that I am more myself, again. I have learned it is best to realize which friends are truly friends versus which so-called friends have been unhealthy ballast in desperate times. Best of all, it is a relief to recognize it, and to act accordingly.

Hmmm and Life goes on...

2007-05-09T23:31:00.000-07:00

Must admit... I am all about hockey and a specific man I am seeing right now. That makes for a totally useless blog for most of you. This is mainly because I DON'T blog enough. I wish I could put all of my thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears out here, but I just realized reading one of my last posts--I spelled reason wrong, it was definitely a typo, being that the "s" was left out and that was all, but UGH! I'm smarter than that! How did I not catch it BEFORE publishing! I loathe that kind of thing...

On a purely selfish note--is it wrong to go out on dates with a few guys while knowing that you really just want one of them in the worst/best way? What do you think, ladies? And gentlemen--let me know...

Beyond the Health Stuff...

2007-04-07T00:02:00.000-07:00

I have realized that I am bad about posting... some of it is forgetfulness--for a while I forgot I even had a so-called "blog" out here, but the rest is knowing that I'm bad about putting it all on the line--which is the best and most beautiful part of having a BLOG! I NEED to work it--maybe the way my friend "Circe" does. Hon, you and I both know, I don't read your blog nearly enough by ANY means. But the fact that you post as often as you do--is a testament to who you are... And I've loved you for TEN years, I love you now--whether I read it or not... And let me tell you-- I know virtually no one reading this DOESN'T read hers, but she's smart, funny, sassy and honest. Circe will ALWAYS tell it as she sees it--and that is another reaon why she will someday (even if she's married before me) be one of my bridesmaids/matrons. I would not be who I am without you--though may I say... I regret everyday that I didn't rush in college--I think I would have made a great THETA. What do you think?

Sorry I'm not very good at this...CLEARLY

2007-04-06T23:36:00.000-07:00

I want to be a good blogger--really I do. I'm just extremely bad at the--"I'm in hell"--welcome to it! blogs. I have been diagnosed with a "hyperventilation-induced seizure disorder." This means that my other neurologist F#$KED up badly. I could have been spared this last experience if she had paid real attention to my very first EEG which had an abnormality during the hyperventilation portion. This also explains why my "episodes" have only occurred when I have been pushing myself during workouts.

Anyway...I am on meds now, and as scary as it is to discover that, courtesy of that car accident in October, I am now officially if only very specifically an "epileptic" I hate my former neurologist! Onwards and upwards after all... I've gotten through the rest of my life and I will get through this...

Thank you those who have commented and not received a response... I have been a BAD blogger...

It happened again...

2007-03-18T00:46:00.000-07:00

Ugh. Okay. So I have a problem. On March 7th, I passed out again. Exactly the same as the last time, except this time I was on a treadmill at this little gym I joined. So--I am going through a different hell this time out. I have had blood tests, an echocardiogram (ultrasound of the heart) and stress test (EKG and blood pressure while on a treadmill) to rule out cardio problems, and now have to see a neurologist, again. This time I probably won't have to have all the EEGs and MRIs as I haven't had a head injury--but my primary physician wants a neurologist's opinion on my migraine issue as it's not his "forte." I can't drive. Again.

I cannot begin to describe how frustrating and scary this whole experience is... Evidently, my syncope--the medical term for loss of consciousness--involves a certain amount of clenching and twitching which lay-people are quick to describe as a seizure. I do not go through the true thrashing and loss of control of bodily functions that are hallmarks of a grand mal. Nonetheless, I'm sure it is frightening for a witness. I know that this last time, I was on a treadmill without wearing the emergency stop strap (which, come on, NO ONE wears) so when I dropped the machine kept going, and I ended up with painful abrasions on my face and arm that I have no memory of receiving. That had to be awful to witness.

Still, the research I have done on my own--previously and recently--leads me to a very true belief that these episodes are a form of migraine aura. There is a type of migraine, variously called "basiliar" or "vertebrobasiliar" (my spelling may be slightly off) which comes from the brain-stem and involves fainting as part of the aura. Each time I have experienced a sense of de ja vu for a minute or two before losing conciousness, and each time I have ended up having a migraine start within the hour after regaining conciousness. I have a very long history of migraines back to childhood. Most usually the form called "common" migraine, but also a few of the form known as "classic" migraine--which have an "aura." I hope that I will be able to find a treatment for this problem that will still allow me to go forward in all of my other endeavors as planned...

Clearly, I have been remiss about this blog. I don't know who--if anyone--still checks up on it, but, I will try to be a bit better about posting in the coming weeks...

If anyone out there is a fellow migraine sufferer of any form, or knows someone with resources on the subject, please, let me know...

Long time...

2007-01-26T23:06:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's been more than two months since my last post. A lot of crazy stuff has happened, and we all deal... Anyway, I thought I would post tonight since I have a friend who pulled some crap on me. I love to use my blog as a stage to vent. CLEARLY, my last blog post being a testament to this. I should probably be writing about all the crazy things in between that I didn't post, but instead...

Actually, you know, screw it. I'm going to live and learn and not vent about some friend taking her bullshit out on me, but instead deal with my own stuff. Screw her crap.

I haven't written because I went away for Thanksgiving and my beautiful niece's birthday the week before, and when I returned I had a health issue. I fainted while working out one day in early December. Unfortunately, someone who saw me (either when I fainted or after, when I was still unconcious--I had been power-walking outside on a main road) told the paramedics I had had a "seizure." This lead to many tests (I wasn't admitted to the hospital, but I wasn't allowed to drive until a meurologist cleared me) that were probably not that necessary. All of my symptoms can be attributed to not enough protein before I went out and my long history of migraines. Apparently, "syncope" (which is the medical term for fainting) is a rare, but not unknown symptom of frequent migraine sufferers. Due to the holidays and various tests I had to undergo, I did not get clearance to drive for an entire month. This obviously created chaos in my life as I live in a city that requires a car for nearly any major activity. I was in anxious hell for a month, needless to say. I'm fine as it turns out. On to the rest of my life.

I had had plans to move back to New York City, but everything was put on hold while I dealt with the nightmare that was the month of December for me. And as it turned out, most of January, because I'm not someone who routinely has a good Plan B, so I had to figure out how to create one in that time. The past two months have been truly awful, but I hope I am back to my usual fighting, blunt self at last. Which is another reason why this post is not going to be about how much I hate when someone blames me for their own mistakes and shortcomings! Instead, I have filled you all in on why I was remiss in posting, and I hope to be back to regular posts in the future.

On the topic of friends who blame friends for unnecessary things--I guess all I can really say is: I hope I have grown enough as a person to "consider the source" as people used to and still sometimes say. My friend is not in a good place and it's easier for her to blame me for an evening that didn't work out the way she had hoped than think about the various things that are not going the way she would want them to right now. Such is life. For any of you reading this who are friends of mine--I try very hard not to exhibit this behavior myself (being as it drives me nuts!), but if I have, I sincerely apologize. No friend should have to put up with it.

HA! It just goes to show...

2006-11-14T23:21:00.000-08:00

So, how funny is this...

A couple of weeks ago I was in a neighborhood bar, we'll call it: The Tavern. It's only several yards from my home, so I'll typically hit it a few nights a week--usually (as the night-owl I am) for a last call, or two if I'm a bit early. On this particular night, I sat next to a VERY attractive man and had a nice conversation. A woman whom I had been good friends with a couple of years ago (before she had a breakdown--seriously) came in and sat on the other side of him. I wasn't looking for action and was more interested in catching up with her, so when he got up to talk to some friends on the other side of me--I passed him his drink. She says to me "Why did you do that? Now, he might not come back?!" I said, "If he's interested, he'll come back, and besides I haven't seen you in a long time and I'd love to know what's going on with you." Chat, chat, chat. He comes back. I realize that now we are having two separate conversations with this man...

She's promising him sex. (This is not unusual for this woman.) I'm not. (This--clearly for those in the know--is usual for me.) He ultimately tells me some of what she's been saying, and I tell him that if that's what he's after he should take her up on it. He says he's not interested, and I tell him that he's on his own dealing with it. He's clearly too drunk to drive and I told him (prior to other conversations and b/c he clearly knows some other acquaintances of mine) that he could crash with me instead of driving home--provided he KNOWS that NOTHING ELSE was going to happen. When he goes to the men's room I tell her that I offered him a place to crash, but EXPLICITLY not sex, AND that I've been encouraging him to take her up on it, if that's what he wants. He comes back and tells me he'd rather "cuddle" with me than go home with her. I told him that I had nothing to do with that side of the conversation, which since she'd been pulling him towards her and whispering in a busy bar, that he would have to deal with it.

The next thing I know, she's leaving. Didn't say goodbye to me. I had been talking with the couple on the other side of me for a while (to avoid being involved in their shit.) I asked him what had happened, he said, "I can't believe you left me on my own there!" To which I responded, "Oh, well, I told you it was your problem. Did you decide to crash with me?" He said, "Of course, I just had to explicitly turn her down!"

I took him home. When we got here, I read my email! He got frustrated--we talked--[anything else is for close friends only--I don't publish kiss-and-tells to confirm or deny]. Regardless, all very minor, poor bastard was drunk off his ass...

Which leads me to tonight. This is the first time I've seen the woman since. When she walked into The Tavern tonight, I said hello and commented on the fact that she hadn't said goodbye when she left the last time I saw her. She claimed to not remember the night (not a bad fake since I know she's a drunk) and disappeared into the ladies room. I had started talking to a guy before she came in. Nice enough conversation: New York, New Orleans, Pittsburgh, college, life--a little bit of the gamut. She comes back and wraps herself around him, "How are you! It's been TOO long," yada, yada, yada. I know where this is going and look to my left for conversation. I bum a last cigarette off the random (for me) guy I'd been talking to, before starting a better and more interesting conversation with the woman on my left who is ultimately married to another acquaintance of mine. The random guy is taken to the other side of the bar by this woman, but (I noticed when I looked across) has more conversation with the owner's son/manager who he's friends with and who had followed them around the corner than her. They all left separately and individually as far as I could tell.

I wanted to laugh, but the conversation I was involved in at the time wouldn't allow it. I knew what was happening from the moment she attempted to wrap herself around this poor bastard. How sad are DESPERATE women? SOOOOOOO sad. Have some self-respect people! Apparently, she felt I won a competition when I hadn't even thrown my hat in the ring! As such, she wanted a "do over" when I couldn't give a rat's ass! All I can do is laugh my ass off at her idiocy and be thankful that I ended a friendship years ago!

Still hurting, only emotionally as well, now...

2006-10-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

So, a couple of hours ago, I managed to stumble onto the blog of the woman who I called my "best friend" for a little over a year until our friendship ended (with no explanation and silence from her) after her birthday in May. Somewhat ironically, I found her blog because I had Googled her fiance--it's late at night, sometimes I like to try to track down people I've lost touch with--after having little luck with her name. I don't remember being aware of her having a blog, but, whatever. I discovered his blog, which led me to hers (both on the same site--not this one). Of course, I read her entire published blog which begins a bit before our friendship did. Nothing. Well, I was briefly mentioned a couple of times--but nothing remotely significant, and nothing that would begin to give me a clue as to why our friendship ended. And nothing, at all, after the mention of my visiting them for a weekend last fall. I can only think that I didn't know her as well as I thought I perhaps did, and that I was not as close a friend to her as she was to me, despite all evidence to the contrary when our friendship was active. Very sad.

I almost regret my discovery, but at the same time, as those who know me well will attest, I am glad to know that she is well. She was someone I loved. Our friendship was important to me, and, while I ended up hurt by her actions, the fact that our friendship is over doesn't change what it was to me before. I'm glad nothing bad happened to her, even if it makes our parting that much more confusing. At the same time, due to that confusion, there is a somewhat perverse satisfaction in knowing I can tune into her life whenever I feel like it, and she won't ever be the wiser unless I contact her about it. Not that I plan to stalk her or something--what would be the point? Just that, well, I guess I still care, and if something really bad happens and she writes about it--maybe I would comment then, and let her know I've been checking in... I noticed she lost her grandmother shortly after I lost mine, but that wasn't a big shock for her, either. I think I was Googling them, in the first place, because a few days ago I sent her an email after the combination of terrible news about the sudden death of a childhood friend (more on that another time) and my car accident. In it, I tried to address the fact that while I don't know or understand her reasons for ending our friendship, I still think about her sometimes and hope that her life is going well.

All of this makes me appreciate my true friends even more. So to Circe, since we've been friends for ten years now (can you believe that?!); H., whose been with me since high school (and is expecting her first baby!); C. and C., each a bit more recent (but very definitely my best friends in this city) I say, thank you very much. I really don't know what I'd do without you.

Another friend, S., whose wedding I was returning from when I had my car accident, belongs on that list as well, but we're not in as good of touch as we should be, and I haven't tested the "married" waters with her yet. Some relationships dim a bit--however unintentionally--once one friend becomes legally bound. To be honest, our relationship dimmed a bit when they moved in together, so... still love her, but she's not one of my "go-to-girls." All that can change again though, since I've been blogging, Circe and I have reconnected much more than before I was so addicted to my laptop.

Speaking of the accident, and to address the first part of this entry's title--I'm still hurting. I think I had whiplash, because what hurts most is my neck: up the back to the back of my head, as well as my shoulders and a bit of my upper back. And I periodically feel achy and just unable to get comfortable through my whole back. I hate this. Also, my car was declared "totaled." I have to figure out what I will do for transportation for the next three months here where I desperately need a car before moving to the City where I won't need or want a car!

And that is how things are tonight...

So I almost died...I guess

2006-10-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I wrote that last post in the midst of a road trip--my first ever--that was great, but turned bad. On my way back, I was in a bad car accident. Which I have no memory of, and my car is totalled, but I need a car for the next couple of months until I move back to NYC. This will prove interesting I'm sure. I'm a little battered and bruised, but for the most part okay. Glad to be alive. I suppose we will know more once the police report comes back in a couple of weeks. I am achy and sore, and dealing with a show for which I almost wish I had not auditioned. The director is a rank amateur and has cast a child in a major role who has no discipline and has never done any acting before. I'm in hell. This means I am essentially directing myself, and to a degree my fellow actors/actresses who know they can trust me more than our director, and we go up in a couple of weeks. As Dorothy Parker would say: "What fresh hell is this?" How do I end up in these awful productions--not all the time, but enough to make me wonder?

On the Road...

2006-10-14T00:25:00.000-07:00

I am venturing into unknown territory for a friend's wedding. It's been amazing, beautiful, boring, tedious, awesome, astounding, frustrating, annoying--essentially, the GAMET! It's New England in the fall. Just everything. I have learned so much about myself by finally taking a real road trip on my own. And I must thank my oldest sister for pulling me out of the nest by telling me that I should "just drive it." I have truly grown in ways I didn't know I could in a mere 48 hours. I love being out in the world on my own! It's truly incredible. It teaches you so much about who you are and who you want to become. I recommend getting out there--find out who you are! by exploring the world around you! You'll be astonished by what you discover.

Perhaps there will be more blogs from this trip... we will see...

As soon as possible...

2006-10-08T03:25:00.000-07:00

That is the last line of Harry at the last New Year's Eve party in "When Harry Met Sally..." before the kiss. My favorite movie of all time, not to say the BEST movie of all time, but since all of that is subjective anyway it's my favorite. Anyone who doesn't truly understand that film--really has no chance of understanding me. Once again, I had a man hit on me who I thought would never hit on me. He's (supposedly) happily married, as well as too old for me. I'm sort of sickened by this. On another hand something great happened today, so I'm not allowing this aberration to obliterate my happiness! Nothing happened--obviously, so... I guess, I'll just have to avoid this (formerly thought "safe" person) in the future.

Soliciting Stories...

2006-09-24T00:45:00.000-07:00

So... I have some playwriting experience. Have I ever written a play? No. Have I written a one-act? No. But I have a few monologues under my belt, and I have directed/produced/acted in shows of the type that I'm seeking work towards... I can make it work if you can give me a good story. I want to write a one woman show of monologues. What we all go through in life/because of life/through life, etc. I ask that anyone who reads this get in touch. Give me a mini-synopsis via private email and you'll be given credit (if desired) as a collaborator on the finished piece. I want to give the women of OUR generation a true voice. From the stories our grandmothers told us, to the stories we tell each other in text messages and at the bar. Tell me your stories and help me make a play for, about and BY US... You can reach me here... Don't be afraid. The best stories are always the most difficult to tell...

Been Down This Road Before, and Here's Why... a little bit about who I am in the corporeal world

2006-09-19T19:38:00.000-07:00

A man I find physically unattractive is interested in me. I've sadly walked this road before. I know better now, I'm not going to date him in some attempt to live the high-minded "it's what's inside that really counts" maxim. Lack of physical attraction results in an inevitable ending even if you have a lot of other things seemingly going for you--which isn't even the case here. Last time it was very painful to the guy when I "woke up" in the midst of a six month relationship and realized that I really STILL didn't find him physically appealing, and I couldn't lie to myself and live in denial anymore so I ended it. Of course, I never used that as my explanation for the break-up to him, that would've been too cruel. Instead, I gave a bunch of other more minor-but-high-minded reasons/platitudes. The real truth being that I should never have dated him in the first place, and wouldn't have if I had "stuck to my guns" and not been encouraged and brain-washed by the "But he's such a nice guy and he really likes you and you seem to have fun hanging out with him" commentary of well-meaning mutual acquaintances. I just find myself hoping this one will take my "polite but distant" responses to his inquiries as the subtle blow-off they are, so I don't have to explain my lack of interest to him.

After all, how does one word that? "I had a good time talking with you the other night. But I'm just not attracted to you." I guess that would be one way. I'm leaning toward, "I had a pretty good time, too. Unfortunately, since I'm moving soon, and we don't have that much in common, I just don't see a reason to pursue it. Sorry." I have always found it fascinating that men will doggedly pursue women with whom they have virtually nothing in common just based on their own singular physical attraction unless confronted point-blank with the woman's own lack of interest. There must be some common ground. Somewhere. Something to keep talking about! In one night (grant it, a long night), it seemed we exhausted our conversational capabilities--such as they were--and basically it was done in talking about our individual families and how we grew up, with variations on basic small talk thrown in! Okay, we know a bit about one another's childhoods and I have no interest whatsoever in his (to me) extraordinarily boring, mundane adulthood! Now, I admit, if I was attracted to him in return, I would totally be into exploring his life further in order to attempt to find common ground--a shred, at least--in order to keep up the pretense, and go on with possible dating. I've done that before, too. But to get there one needs mutual physical attraction.

What I have found uniquely difficult as I've progressed through life is finding a nice way to let someone know that their attraction is not reciprocated. I'm sure I bring on this difficulty myself. I'm "too" nice, because I genuinely enjoy new people, conversation, social experience. I am the antithesis of shy. Frequently, I forget to consider that, for those who don't have my same general curiosity and social dexterity, I may appear to be more singularly interested in them than I actually am. Because they only initiate contact when they are singularly interested in the other person. An assumption is made, and I end up not knowing how to politely extract myself from a (to me, again) simple one-evening/afternoon conversation.

I am blessed, or perhaps cursed, with an extremely honed social awareness. I know the ways I am very different from the rest of the socialized world I live in. I know that the vast majority of people are not like me. I know I am extraordinarily comfortable in every social environment in which I find or place myself, and that that is an anomaly. Also, intuitively, I know the moment someone has recognized or decided they're attracted to me (whether reciprocated or not), I know when someone (friend or stranger) has become uncomfortable, etc., there is something that changes in the air that I have always been able to detect. I'm sure this detection is significantly due to my unconscious or subconscious awareness of vocalization (changes in tone and voice quality) and body language. This has also made me very empathetic. Not sympathetic, per se, but empathetic--which in many ways is worse. As such, I make every attempt to avoid putting someone in an awkward/painful position due to even their own presumptions about me! After all, I can understand why meeting someone like me is probably rare in their daily experience (it's certainly equally rare in my own!), so having their own experience as their only barometer--they think what they think: that I am interested in more from them than just a simple chat. Which, when occasionally true, works in my favor as well. It's just so equally occasional on my side of things as it is to the majority. I'm not attracted to 9/10ths of the people I start conversations with in my life. In fact, I am more inclined when attracted to someone to sit back with open body language and wait to be approached, or for them to initiate an opening. In this way, I can assure myself of their initial interest. Relying, as I am in that situation, on the fact that most of the world is not like me, and therefore, to approach is to deliberately signal interest. I am the exception that proves the rule. I will approach more quickly when there is no interest at all on my part.

I know I could attempt to change myself to avoid finding myself in these situations. But I like who I am. I wouldn't know how to be withdrawn, shy or uncomfortable, so I would have to feign these things and, therefore, no longer live authentically. Forget that. I think I will just have to find a way to not be so very empathetic--maybe that's a possible goal--so that I can more easily/quickly extract myself from the situations in which my more extroverted traits place me.

An Irritation...

2006-09-06T01:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have a couple of irritations to vent my rage against at this moment. I spent a chunk of today trying to figure out why my profile change wasn't publishing properly, only to discover that NOW it is! Weird. Maybe I just needed to give "blogger" it's time and due. After all--I'm still new to this whole crazy world. I guess, there is some sort of lee-way period. I like IMMEDIACY! I suppose I will have to relax on that issue if this is going to be the venue for my random ramblings.

Meanwhile, in the midst of that I was bitten by a spider. Irony ensues... yes, Circe, I actually know for a FACT that it was a spider bite, (probably not the first in my life, but the first I'm sure of) because I felt a prick, and then SAW the damn thing ON my leg (!) and batted it away--ending up with a small welt! Ick! I never knew "house" spiders bit. YUCK! Unfortunately, the damn thing was beige/gray and so is my carpet, so while I knocked it off, I don't think I killed it, and I couldn't see it on my floor to be sure! UGH! How much does this suck! LOTS! Anyone else out there been bitten by a spider--knowingly?! My mother seems to think it's because I was unable to clean my house last week (due to my rabid cold). Apparently, we are all doomed to be bitten by spiders if we skip a week of cleaning! Meanwhile, I had a lazy MONTH or TWO in my early twenties that NEVER resulted in this... so while I did the "smile and nod" over the phone while taking her advice to cleanse with hydrogen peroxide and apply Bactine--I don't really think my lack of vacuuming for the week is the answer... Still, for future reference, hydrogen peroxide followed by Bactine does not only get rid of the stinging/burning sensation, but also heals the actual bite to a small red spot with no swelling or welt within a few hours... For those who are bitten by psycho-house-spiders in the future...

Sad, and healing...

2006-09-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

I just discovered that a friend lost her grandfather a few days ago. It's so strange. This is the third person I know, including me, who has lost a grand parent in the past few weeks. All these great people, influences, lost. At the same time, there is so much we are left by these elder generations. Once they are no longer with us, we have to remember everything we've been taught and told by, seen and heard from them. That's the only way that we'll ever be able to pass on any of their wisdom to anyone else. Or, for that matter, use it ourselves in our own lives. Which I think is what grandparents are all about. They aren't the ones who actually raise us--or at least not usually. But they raised their children to raise us. And then, they could watch us, enjoy us and love us from that one generation's distance. A built-in total love and support and cheerleading section for everything we did--from crawling, to talking, to walking, to school, to life. Grandparents are amazing. I know I loved mine. I still do, within myself. Because I like to think I see a bit of each of them in me. A bit that they put there. Just by being present. And sometimes, when I really need to, I think I feel a guiding hand on my shoulder now, and I try to be guided by it because I know--they couldn't lead me wrong. At the same time, not one of them would ever want us to live our lives to please anyone but ourselves (and maybe God), so I still trust my gut in the end--after all, they helped instill those instincts, too. I guess, I just wanted to give a little tribute to those who've gone before. It's part of healing for me. To think that I have people who love me waiting for me somewhere--on the other side of here. If I'm lucky, maybe this will help a couple of you, too... Take care and be well.

Thoughts while Inhaling Nail Polish Fumes through Sinus & Chest Congestion

2006-09-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

Ugh!!! So, a while back I purchased a french manicure pen from Sephora. The idea being that I like the simplicity, the polish of a classic french manicure, and, since they're so over-priced in the salons near me, this pen would make it easier for me to do myself. Well, I realized that with a little practice this could prove true. Except, I wasn't paying attention to how old my other polishes have become, and my beautiful, careful french manicure is now almost completely ruined by a too thick, sticky topcoat. I'm so annoyed right now. I'm being careful as I type, because I know the polish needs at least two hours to dry thoroughly. At the same time, I am so irritated by the various smudgy flaws created by a topcoat I had kept for too long! Am I the only one who does this? The truth is, I get regular pedicures (my legs are long and painting my toes would be an additional yoga practice to my daily one), but usually I keep my fingernails bare or buff-shined. Therefore, I rarely use the nail polish I have, so it gets pushed to the back of my cupboard where it turns into a form of shiny glue! Ick. I just forget about it until I, very periodically, want to use it. I wish I had a digital camera handy to publish a photo of my hands so you all could have a visual of my frustration. They don't look that bad, but for a make-up/beauty-product perfectionist like me--well, I'm trying to hold myself back from grabbing a cotton ball and my non-acetone polish remover. I know, at best, I will only leave it on for tomorrow. I'll have to give it another shot after I buy some fresh Mega Shine topcoat... I'm fairly happy with about seven out of the ten, but clearly, that doesn't quite cut it... And as anyone who has ever done their own nails knows, there is no way to remove polish and fix three out of ten nails without utterly destroying the entire manicure!

Now, for the cold. I have had this cold for an entire week. It seems to finally be tapering off a bit. I hesitate to write that as it could come back to bite me in the ass just to spite my hopefulness. This awful thing seems to be running rampant, so double up on your vitamin C, stock some echinacea and DayQuil/NyQuil liquid-caps. (They seem to have helped in the past few days after I gave up on a "Severe Cold Relief" formula that didn't seem to be doing much.) Have any of you had this yet? I've heard it lasts off and on for about six weeks. If that's true I think I had a taste of it a couple of weeks ago for just a day or two. This week has been the heart of it, and I imagine it could linger for a bit. It's not the stomach flu that is also running around--thank heavens--that's very gastrointestinal and lasts about four days... really, hoping I don't get that one.

I suppose that about covers it for the moment... I'm getting better about updating this thing--hope that makes my readers happy!

Briefly...

2006-09-02T16:07:00.000-07:00

Hello All,
Life's a bit nutty lately. My grandmother passed away on the 20th. My mother's mother, on my father's birthday no less. The extended family poured into town for the matriarch's funeral. It was rough, but expected--she was 94 after all, and in deteriorating health over the past several months. Still, we got through it, and I promptly got the worst cold in the world that has kept me completely out of it for the past week. I just thought I'd get on and say hello. I hope to get myself into the weekly blog mode in the next few weeks. That's all for now, but... keep an eye on this space!

Ramblings...

2006-08-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, then, so I'm watching You've Got Mail on TNT, for the second time this evening... I'm not really clear why...(though I did miss the first few minutes the first time around)... then I just spent about 40 minutes trying to figure out why I still can't use underlining, boldface and italics only to discover that apparently the commands aren't supported in my browser! Ugh! I tried to open Explorer, but like most non-Mac applications it doesn't work for shit. So... my blog would have remained wildly bland until TPTB make their font features run in Safari--except that I decided to give a last ditch effort and delve into archaic mini-code within the text to accomplish something that should take the click of a button or two key strokes! --This was going to be a very mellow post about how much I love movies set and beautifully filmed in New York, and how I can't wait to move home, but now... I'm just too frustrated.-- This is one of the reasons I haven't blogged very often. It didn't allow me to be expressive enough. I need more control over the texture and emphasis than plain text affords. Apparently, to have that--I need to be grateful for my childhood love of messing with control boards and not fearing crashing my computer by screwing around with code. I haven't attempted code since high school. Oh, well, as evidenced above, I still know a little bit of what I'm doing. That's actually sort of exciting. And if you're still reading this, bless you, I wouldn't have blamed you for bailing... I've just discovered that spell check doesn't work in Safari, either, so! Oh, well. I seem to be writing that phrase a lot tonight. My apologies for misspellings, I should own a dictionary, but I don't. But wait! Once again, past experience with computers comes through. Blogger's spell check doesn't work in Safari, but: ta da! Safari's own spell check under Edit still works! Wow, I keep being tempted to throw in the towel just a moment too soon... interesting.

As I was planning to write (or at least partly): this movie is one of the weaker romantic-comedies, despite being written by the Ephrons, directed by Nora and based on an old film that some consider a classic. It just aged so quickly. Sure, the leads are still charming as ever, the city's still beautiful, but who still uses dial-up or AOL? Okay, I'm sure a few people still do, but not wealthy business people in Manhattan! Nonetheless, it's still on in the background as I've been fighting with my own computer this evening. I had completely forgotten that Dave Chappelle was in this, and I never tire of watching him. Hell, his delivery is always perfect. Even when he didn't write what he's saying! And of course, Greg Kinnear playing a completely pompous, self-absorbed character masquerading as a bleeding heart is hysterical. Thank God or Whomever for the acting, setting and direction, because the premise was a little dead in the water. But, there really is nothing better than a movie that shows New York City in all of its myriad seasons--When Harry Met Sally... does it the very best, of course. And there is the small fact that I'm a sucker for a good voiceover--Carrie's throughout Sex and the City come to mind, and voiceovers are used well and performed well in this, too. So, in the end, perhaps enough reasons to watch it twice after all. I suppose I must have just been in the right mood.

And now, I'm finally tired. Maybe I will find my way to bed and sleep. May you all have a lovely weekend. Go see a movie... :) Or just watch one you've already seen...

A True Journal Entry

2006-07-28T00:58:00.000-07:00

Okay...welcome again to my little world... I don't like people. Ordinarily. That will seem astonishing to those reading this who know me well--I'm a very outgoing person. But it's true. It's not that I'm judgmental per se, but--people irritate me. Easily. The less well-read, the less educated, the less articulate, the more likely I am to dismiss you. No offense, and I clearly don't show it in the midst of conversation, but--it's true, none the less. I have no idea how many typos I may have in this damn post, but--I've discovered that I don't really know how to do spell check on a blog--the ways I know don't seem to work. My apologies to those of you paying attention to those kinds of things (as I would). Anyway... I played darts tonight, and HOW WEIRD--a couple I was playing with (and beat in the end) left me what looked and smelled like a "joint." VERY WEIRD in my world. Okay, so I looked for a couple of girlfriends to check things out/smoke with, but no one turned up, so... I smoked alone. It was either very weak, or I am VERY high, and I'm watching "Mad About You" while typing this. Oh, well, at least I didn't have a panic attack. I am supposed to have a date tomorrow night with the guy I can't figure out. Are we friends? Are we dating? Are you trying to take the lead and I keep stealing your thunder, or what? In that respect--I don't know what is going on in my life...I mean, hell, whatever...I guess, this is the nature of a journal-blog. If I actually get on here everyday we could all have some fun, because the world gets to comment on my everyday life. This could be a lot of weird-ass fun. Okay, I'm going to publish this for the hell of it. Write whatever you want...in response.

welcome to my world...a true journal entry...

2006-07-26T01:40:00.000-07:00

Okay--I have more than one reader. That's very cool. It makes me feel the need to post more often for you folks. Actually, it's interesting, because one of you I know--at least one other is a complete stranger. Welcome to my life...I think. SO...here is a question...pertaining to previous posts somewhat: whatever happened to honesty? I make a conscientious attempt to not treat ANYONE like shit. And still the same cannot be said for my former friends or lovers or place-label-heres. I'm a fabulous human. I'm someone you want on your side. One of the best people in the world to claim as "having my back." And still--I deal with shit all the time. I've grown better at not tolerating it. At dumping people out of my life sooner who attempt to take advantage of my giving nature, or who don't treat me with the same respect and understanding with which I treat them. Still...there is a definite lack of equalibrium in my relationships. I seem to always be the one holding the short straw. It pisses me off more and more all the time. I don't believe in rules. I wouldn't want a guy who tolerates a woman treating him like shit, and I don't want to ever be a woman who tolerates a man treating her like shit. On a platonic level, I have recently had to let go of a best friend who wasn't treating me to anything but silence. There comes a time for virtually all relationships to die...it's painful, but sometimes it is for the best. I'm rambling, so...post whatever you like. I'll try to start writing every day--in the true nature of a journal. Just you wait--sometimes I'm a genius, and sometimes I'm just as lost, confused, scared and crazy as everyone else...

Annoyed

2006-07-21T02:51:00.000-07:00

What is it with men? I mean...seriously. I don't want this to be a stereotypical rant about how there are no gentlemen anymore, and why is it that only women seem to have any semblance of rules for dating, because those rants are so cliched. But REALLY!! I mean, why don't these idiots who seem to like you and play all the cards right on the date--just call for EFFS-sake?! It's just annoying. I mean, I would just rather know. I want to know if it's cool to just go "NEXT!" Because that one's no longer in play, or to continue the game a little longer. Not that you can't have a couple in play at the same time, ladies, I mean, that's old-school, but what was good for our mothers should definitely be good for us. I just want to know if I've been cut loose, or if I'm the one who eventually may be doing the cutting. And really, sometimes there seems to be no way of knowing lately. I mean, I've been in the unfortunate situation of running into a guy that I went on a few dates with and then haven't heard from--and he acts as if there is a possibility of our next date being that weekend. WHAT IS THAT?! And how annoying! I mean, hello! haven't we both moved on to the "NEXT!" by now at least? Whatever... I just keep waiting for someone to make this simpler. But I don't see it happening in my lifetime. Sure--it's great that we can have sex before marriage without being stoned--but wouldn't it be nice if guys actually asked us out on real DATES and called a few days later to schedule the next one?! Two steps forward...one step back. I guess, we're still one step ahead of the game at least...

Ron Livingston was a GREAT guest star...

2006-07-18T02:59:00.000-07:00

How funny... I have a draft in progress, but I've realized something fascinating (to me at least) which is: I really only like to "blog" in the middle of the night/morning when I've had just a little too much to drink, and some interesting conversation. As a fan of S&TC I will include you all in the most interesting of the conversations this evening. My friend Jane has been dating a married/separated prick named Brent for a little while. She had the misfortune of falling in love with this much older loser. Take it for granted that all those who love her have been telling her to run for a couple of months. "Props" must be given to her FINALLY kicking him to the curb. It's rough going now, and we'll see if she holds her heading, but still--fair winds are blowing at last (for all of those of a nautical metaphor bent).

As to myself... well, as far as I know, I'm single. I love the freeing idea of "maybe he's just not that into you." For some, that may sound cynical. But for me--I like that attitude. It feels freeing. I don't have to worry about some random guy I had one interesting conversation with in a coffee house or bar, sure he took my number, but he didn't call. SOOOOO WHAT?! Yes, sometimes the "maybe, he's just not that into you" thing makes me a little sad because I would love to be "into" the guy in question, but--at least I didn't waste any time over it. That's the best thing about this particular "Berger" inspired outlook. You never waste time over what may have been--in ANY circumstance. Does that make me even more--or less--cynical? I'm not entirely sure... but I'll take it. Sometimes the ones that pass you by are the ones you would have been glad to have passed by...

The Beginning

2006-07-16T02:31:00.000-07:00

Hello All
Well, I thought this might be fun so... why not? Don't worry I'll post pictures eventually. This is only the beginning. A shout out to Circe-Purrs. I love you, and I realized by reading yours that I might like a blog of my very own. Life is curious and one can never know just where it may lead you. The world is strange and wonderous--why not explore? When we were kids and curious without fear we learned so much more so much faster. Would that we could learn as quickly now. Maybe it's time to just be more courageous. I may have spelled that wrong, but--I don't care. I'm not looking for an editor for my life. I'm just looking for listeners--which, beautifully in this world, means readers. I hope you all will have as much fun reading, writing and posting as I will.